Just Breathe

What must it be like to be told when and how you are probably going to die? Like a death sentence from a judge? Or like an end of a prison sentence, a release date? There have been a few times when I've wanted to die, but then when I thought it might happen I usually changed my mind. One time though I was resigned and when it didn't happen, it felt like I would have to re-resign myself to this painful life. Mostly the thought of dying can be like holding your breath, and then something forces you to involuntarily take a breath. Our "life-force" is usually pretty hard to overcome.

With my low blood sugar, it can seem like an impossible task to just get up and make my protein shake and vitamins. This is sort of like medication because without it, I can hardly function. When my blood sugar is low I am also in a very low-willing state. I don't really want to function when it's like that. But something inside propels me amidst my lack of will to get up and take my medicine. It's then that the voice of my children bring a spark of vitality to me. Before my shake their noises remind me that I have no strength, but after, interacting with them is a source of joy. There is something in me that is stronger than me that wont give up, except for that one time. I wouldn't say it's a will to live, but that it is part of being human to keep doing stuff that contributes to life. We can't help ourselves.

One time I heard the Saturday Night Live comedienne, Julia Sweeney, talk about her brother's last moments. His body had given out due to cancer, but he was having trouble letting go. They had to call in a death therapist who talked him through it. At the end of the session she told him to imagine that he was on a trampoline jumping up... and down... up... and down... up... and down, and now imagine jumping off.... and he died. I've always felt that one has to, except in cases of devastating trauma, voluntarily let go of life. That otherwise one can always force oneself to breathe one more breath. Ms. Sweeney's story gives some credence to that.

Right now as long as today is today, I can keep breathing. It may be almost all I feel I can do sometimes, but it is enough to allow me to pray,

Sveti Boge, Sveti Krepki, Sveti Bessmertniy, Pumiluy nos.
Slava Ottsu, i Sinu, i Svetomo Duhu

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nynje

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prisnw

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vo

vjeki

vjekwv"

amin'

I found a new pronunciation page for Slavonic prayers. I put it with the others I mentioned recently in a new link category, Slavonic helps.