Groanings Which Cannot Be Uttered

I hope I have not been too confusing or schizophrenic (multiple personality context) in my excursions into death alternating with triumphalistic expoundings on life in Christ. Protestants have put such an emphasis on the morbid, sorcerer, and necromancy contexts of any real association with the departed, that I am still influenced by it and feel somewhat rebellious and mistress of the darkish talking about it. But still, mourning is the foundation of my feeling if I slow down and contemplate my innermost being, as Father suggested in his homily yesterday. He said though, that our soul cries that we hear when we slow down, whether by coming to Church early and praying, or when we take time during the day, are our longing for God. I have cast away the thought that my tears could represent repentence, or love for God, especially since the way for me to access them is to think about Isaac. But at the same time, these tears that began when I was introduced to the icon of the guardian angel and the little boy, have always been in the context of the Orthodox Church. I have had guilt over not getting help for him when he might have been able to be saved, by not being tuned in enough to his growing stillness. This guilt was relieved when I finally confessed it to my priest. There has been darkness when I think about his bones in his grave, or his body when it was buried, and I believe that part of me died with him that horrible week surrounding his birth. But on the life-side, I believe my connection to him also made me seek out the Orthodox experience of communion with the Saints. The Saints are known as the Church Triumphant, hence the triumphalism. Death cannot separate us from each other, but there is also a not-yet aspect to this pre-resurrection time. Grieving and mourning over Isaac can seem like a lack of faith and an absence of the fruits of the Spirit, especially joy. I have also associated his departure from this life as we're used to it, with feelings and fears of abandonment that I've had all my life through various experiences. "Separation" is the key word. My grief is over separation in general. I'll indulge myself for a minute and consider the possibility that this is more about grief over the separation that occurred at the fall. We were separated from ourselves, each other, and God. We abandoned God through disobedience, misguided though it was. Eve was seeking her own version of good through lack of faith in God's version. Sometimes obedience must be blind, or at least achieved by distancing ourselves from the voice that contradicts it. But what it boils down to, is that this separation from God, who, as St. Cyril of Alexandria says is life, results in death.

When I was a protestant, I always felt pressure from my Christian circle to be happy and that sadness or discouragement over my failings and continuing sins, showed that I lacked faith in Christ's saving me and separating me from my sin. I listened to their explanations of Christ separating me from my sin as far as the east is from the west, and how I was clothed in righteousness, but I didn't know how to fit that into my continual giving into temptations. I have a practical realism streak that wouldn't be satisfied covering up the realities in front of my face. Orthodoxy put present sins into context of the continuous, life-long need of repentance in order to actually be conformed to Christ, not just in forced denial, if that's too harsh (but it's what it felt like), or in losing oneself in who Christ is and His successes, which is actually worse - it's annihilation of self. Dying to self is different than annihilation. Dying to our own misguided version of good and accepting and putting on Christ, the Word, is really a fulfillment of self.

So if Orthodoxy can handle that I'm still a sinner and sad about it, "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." (The Jesus Prayer), as a part of right believing, then it should be able to handle that I am sad that I am physically separated from Isaac and all the other things I'm separated from, including myself, others, and God. Orthodoxy does not say that to be faithful, you have to only dwell on Christ's triumph, though that cannot be neglected either. His triumph has to be habitually applied to every second of my day through prayer without ceasing, but to me, the reality of this is that He is there, present in every breath, every heartbeat, every neurological impulse that lets my wayward thoughts travel around. His energy is supplying every movement to the sub-atomic level. He is there, He has not left. And with Him is hope because He is also present with everything I am separated from. And He is able to raise it up complete and joined in the last day. But while this can be experienced to some extent now, there is still more for later. I still sin, and Isaac is still separated from me bodily. My sins have real and deadly consequences here and now that limit my experience of union with myself, others and God.

But Christ is still here, those who passed on, joined in love with God, are still here. I need to pray and benefit from the prayers of those who love God in order to overcome my sin, so that I can experience reunion - recapitulation. And I'll say for now that I think it's ok to be sad about what has not yet happened, but it is not a hopeless sadness. The thing that touches me most in the first few chapters of Brothers Karamozov is the sadness of Alyosha's mother when she is imploringly praying with frantic sobs in front of the icon of the Mother of God. This is honesty and faith together. One does not have to deny reality in order to have faith and find help.

Romans 8:18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. 19 For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope; 21 because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. 23 Not only that, but we also who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. 24 For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.
26 Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. 27 Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. [italics original]