Lack and fulfillment

Owen replies in the comments of the pre-referenced post,

In a very powerful sense, eros is perverted because of the conditions of postlapsarian lack. If Christ is our model, then we know that the desire for unity is fulfilled in the letting go, the laying down of self. As Christ has always perfectly given His life to the Father, from all time, He has never been unfulfilled in his “desire” for unity with the Father. [With the notable apparent exceptions of His asking the cup to be passed, and the cry on the Cross regarding His forsakenness – but even here He teaches us that there is no right end for desire in abstraction. “Not my will, but…” Even when there is no apparent fulfillment, no apparent release, He seeks only the Father’s “pleasure” and not His own. The divine story is not about desire as we moderns know it, but rather about complete givenness despite apparent states of fulfillment and unfulfillment, which themselves are states to be comprehended as in the order of signs, and not as modern psychological states to be parsed through ideological mechanisms stemming from fear and hate instead of the hope of Christ.] But as postlapsarian sinners, we have known the lack of unity, often it has been a horrid awareness, and we seek the fulfillment of what is a grievous lack. As such, especially given postlapsarian conditions, we intuit to take instead of to give, and thus we end up with the exact opposite of what is wanted: more divisiveness, less unity. Now, much of Christian eroticism deems itself very much concerned with a feminine sort of spiritual givenness. Hansen’s book is quite graphic in this regard, and any number of Western saints, male and female, lay hold of such a spirituality. But again, this givenness is that of fetish and a sort of spiritual sensuality. A form of self-pleasure is taken, and a cathartic release is found in succumbing to the brutal or at least overpowering demands of the hound of heaven. Again, Hansen captures this masterfully in his novel. And yes, I continue to see something of, broadly speaking, the same sort of impulse between Evangelical soul make out music and fetished blood spattered baroque sculptures. Perhaps I am wrong to do so, and in the end, as I have said, I don’t think the connection matters much. As you have stated, each can be dismissed on its own merits.

This is most helpful. I had an "experience" of peace during my first Orthodox service that I attended, while gazing into the icon of Christ. It was so new and wonderful, I think I paid too much attention to it and became fascinated with keeping and increasing it. I read St. Teresa of Avila's The Interior Castle for this reason. It also has a lot to do with my talks to a certain Evangelical versed in Orthodox terminology. Way too much focus on experience and personal fulfillment, which can easily lead to delusion and perversion of the truth, or depression and despair during the lows of experience. I'm glad though that Owen mentions legitimate experiences of postlapsarian lack. We are not meant to nihilistically do without. But experience is a symptom, a by-product, not the goal. The goal is unity with Christ. Union not for self-fulfillment or wonderful feelings, but to be who we are intended to be, an overflowing fountain to water our environment. But even that is expressed too utilitarian(ly). We don't exist to give others selfish pleasure or to attain it ourselves. Our right relationship and being filled with God is for healthy, realistic, functioning of which peace, love, and joy are fruit. Earthly fulfillment not achieved in communion is realistically dysfunctional. As is gnostic, creation-denying minimalism.

We don't have to be in denial of anything, including our experiences, we just have to let them go and undemandingly accept what He gives, and then let it go, and then accept - circular communion, almost like playing hot-potato? At first that seems too jerky and violent, but I have held the potato too long, not willing to let it go, and it does indeed burn.

note to self - don't forget to think about transcendence vs (dialectical rebellion pops up) escapism.